Three Strategies to Develop Relationships

Sowing the Right Seed

Three friends came to Job during a difficult period of his life: when he had recently experienced a large number of tragedies. Job's friends came to him in order to sympathise with him and to comfort him (Job 2:11). However, due to their lack of understanding (of Job's situation and character, as well as God's character) their words of comfort quickly became words of condemnation that undermined their friendship. Consequently, they said many words that hurt, rather than comforted Job. In the end, God had this to say to them:

"After the Lord had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has."" (Job 42:7)

Our relationships with others can be thought of in terms of a field: what we reap from the relationship flows out of what we have sown into the relationship. If we have only sown discourtesy, disrespect, and criticism into the relationship, we cannot expect loyalty, trust, and diligence. In order for Job's friends to restore their friendship with Job and the Lord, they needed to "sow" repentance. They did so by sacrificing a burnt offering to the Lord and asking Job to pray for them (Job 42:8-10).

We need to ensure that the seed that we sow is the correct seed for the soil. For example, imagine that you have a friend named John that loves stamp collecting. He has a collection of thousands of stamps from many different countries that he has collected over a period of years. A way to "sow into" the relationship may be to sow the "seed" of stamp collecting by spending some hours with John, speaking about stamps. This may be difficult for you, but a way of showing how much you value John. However, it is possible to sow wrong seeds into the relationship that will produce weeds that will hinder growth. Imagine that you love hill walking, but John thoroughly dislikes hill walking. To spend a few hours hill walking with John could well undermine the friendship, rather than build the relationship.

It takes time to build a relationship. When a seed is planted in the ground, there is a delay before any growth is seen. After the seed is planted, it may take days or even weeks of sunshine and watering before green shoots begin to emerge from the ground and even then the shoots are quite fragile. The same is true in our relationships with people. In fact, sowing into some relationships can be hard work and they may need extra effort and self-sacrifice in order to get them going. Sometimes we need to clear the weeds of the past before we begin sowing, by asking for forgiveness. Then when we start to sow the right seed into the soil there may be no response or even suspicion ("What's he or she up to now?"). As we persist in our sowing and caring for the ground, we will reap a harvest after some time. Trust is not built by spending intense periods of time with someone when we can fit them into our schedules. It takes regular investment and requires us to see people as a priority. We need to ensure that we plan regular time with the people that are important to us before we start scheduling our business meetings.

Sharing About Ourselves

A second strategy that we need to employ in our lives is that of sharing or disclosure. In order to build trust, we need to show an openness and transparency in our character. Many leaders have kept a distance from those they led. They have focussed on inspiring and giving instructions, without revealing much about themselves: the struggles that they faced; the desires, hopes, and aspirations that they had. While this strategy may have helped in keeping discipline, it undermines the influence that the leader has had in the lives of the followers.

Following a 'remote' leader can be difficult, as he or she may be difficult to interact with and understand. This can mean that it is difficult for the followers to know what decisions to make, as they do not have a clear understanding of the principles and values of the leader. This means that the followers are always dependent on the leader for guidance and direction, so the leader's effectiveness is greatly reduced. In many cases, this situation leads to a lack of trust, withholding of information, and a low level of commitment in the followers.

In order to build trust and understanding, the leader needs to share and disclose the principles and values that drive his or her life. As the leader shares his or her thoughts, failures, successes, and aspirations, the followers will be more willing to share and disclose information. This in turn helps the leader to gain a deeper understanding of the people that they are seeking to lead.

Being Teachable

The third strategy that we need to employ in developing positive relationships is being teachable. If we are to be effective leaders, it is essential that we are willing to listen and learn from others, even from those that we lead. Some leaders feel that they need to be stronger, wiser, and better than those that they lead. This is not the case. We need to be open and teachable, even willing to listen to young children. That does not mean that everything that people say about us is true. We need to be willing to listen to what is being said, and to consider prayerfully whether we need to change some areas of our lives.

Failure in this area can be critical to our ministry. If we are not teachable, then we reject the accountability that we need in order to help us to stay on God's path for our lives. We all have areas of our character and behaviour that we do not see clearly, 'blind-spots', which are clearly visible to others. We need to remain teachable so that others can help us to overcome our 'blind-spots' and to grow and develop in our leadership. Many leaders have fallen into sin as a result of ignoring the warnings of others. Many have been blinded by the success of their ministry into thinking that they do not have to listen to others. If we are to be effective leaders, we need to remain teachable, and actively seek the insight and accountability of others.